How Emotion Sabotages Motivation

When motivation falters, negative emotions can take center stage, clouding our judgment and amplifying our anxieties. When we struggle to find the drive to pursue our goals, our minds can become a battleground of self-doubt, fear, and frustration. Negative thoughts spiral, convincing us of our incompetence, worthlessness, and inability to overcome challenges. This cycle can create a self-fulfilling prophecy, further eroding our motivation and plunging us deeper into despair. This is how emotion sabotages motivation.

My Experience

Do you ever feel like you can't get motivated to do certain tasks and you can't seem to understand why? Last year, after accomplishing some big goals, I noticed how I struggled with other things, like creating some habits I wanted to build into my routine. Simple stuff that on the surface didn't seem like a big deal, and I struggled to understand why it was so hard.

I know I could probably win an Olympic gold medal for procrastination of the items on my to-do list that I least enjoy. But some of these tasks I really wanted to do and when I actually did them, I felt good about it. I knew it was time to uplevel my motivation and figure out what the issue was.

I began with some self-reflection, trying to notice without judgment what I was feeling and thinking as it pertained to creating these new habits. What came up for me were the feelings of annoyance (why is this hard?), frustration (how many time am I going to fail at this?) and finally, shame (you should be better at this! what kind of person can't do this?!).  

These emotions created the negative thoughts in my head, thoughts like "you forgot again, you idiot!" and "you'll never get this right". These thoughts just left me feeling even more unmotivated. I knew it was time to ask for help.

I  reached out to two different experts in the area of creating habits and change.  The first was Janina Goldberg, a process and mindset coach. The next was Lisa Griffith, a productivity coach. Both recommended the book "Atomic Habits" by James Clear.

"Atomic Habits" by James Clear is a bestselling self-help book that explores the science of habit formation and provides practical strategies for building good habits and breaking bad ones. The book emphasizes the power of small changes, referred to as atomic habits, in creating significant and lasting transformations in your life. Here is a brief summary of the book's key concepts and the four stages of creating a habit:

"Atomic Habits" presents the idea that tiny changes in behavior, when compounded over time, lead to remarkable results. Clear argues that habits are not just about what you want to achieve but who you wish to become. He introduces the concept of the "habit loop," which consists of cue, craving, response, and reward, as the neurological pattern that governs any habit.

The Four Stages of Creating a Habit:

1. Cue: This is the trigger that initiates the habit loop. It can be a specific time, emotional state, location, or preceding event that prompts the habit. Identifying and understanding the cues that lead to your habits is the first step in habit change.
2. Craving: The craving is the desire or motivation behind the habit. It's the anticipation of the reward that the habit will provide. Clear suggests making the desired habit more attractive by linking it to a positive feeling or a sense of achievement.
3. Response: The response is the actual behavior or habit that you want to create or change. It's the action you take in response to the cue and craving. To establish a good habit, you need to make the response easy to do. Conversely, to break a bad habit, you should make the response more difficult.
4. Reward: The reward is the positive outcome or satisfaction you gain from completing the habit. It satisfies the craving and reinforces the behavior, making it more likely to be repeated in the future. Clear advises making good habits satisfying by celebrating small wins and finding ways to enjoy the process.

By understanding and manipulating these four stages, individuals can effectively create positive habits and eliminate negative ones. Clear emphasizes the importance of making small, incremental changes and focusing on consistent progress rather than immediate, drastic transformations. Through the continuous refinement of these atomic habits, individuals can make significant improvements in their lives and achieve long-term success.

This book helped me to better understand how to build new habits in a way that would set me up for success.  But I still felt like I wasn't seeing the whole picture. Then Lisa Griffith mentioned Gretchen Rubin's book "The Four Tendencies". This turned out to be the last piece of the puzzle I was trying to solve - namely why my motivation was high in some instances and low in others.

Gretchen Rubin, a bestselling author and happiness expert, identified four tendencies of motivation in her book "The Four Tendencies." According to Rubin, these tendencies help explain how people respond to both inner and outer expectations. Here's a brief overview of each tendency and ways to stay motivated for individuals belonging to each category:

1. Upholders:
   • Definition: Upholders readily meet both inner and outer expectations. They have a strong sense of self-discipline and find it relatively easy to stay motivated to meet goals.
   • Staying Motivated:
     • Set clear, specific goals with deadlines to provide a sense of structure.
     • Break larger goals into smaller tasks and create a checklist to track progress.
     • Establish routines and adhere to them to maintain consistency.
     • Seek accountability from others to stay on track.
     • Celebrate achievements and milestones to reinforce positive behavior.
2. Questioners:
   • Definition: Questioners question all expectations and will meet an expectation only if they believe it makes sense and aligns with their internal reasoning.
   • Staying Motivated:
     • Understand the reasons behind the goals to find personal meaning and purpose.
     • Research and gather information to make informed decisions about goals.
     • Customize goals to align with personal values and interests.
     • Set up a system of accountability, such as sharing progress with a mentor or friend.
     • Continuously evaluate goals and adjust them based on changing priorities and interests.
3. Obligers:
   • Definition: Obligers meet outer expectations but struggle with inner expectations. They often find it challenging to meet personal goals but excel when others are relying on them.
   • Staying Motivated:
     • Create external accountability by partnering with a workout buddy, coach, or mentor.
     • Join group activities or classes where others are counting on participation.
     • Make commitments public to leverage social pressure.
     • Use technology to set reminders and deadlines for personal goals.
     • Consider seeking support from a coach, therapist, or support group to stay motivated.
4. Rebels:
   • Definition: Rebels resist all expectations, both inner and outer. They value freedom and autonomy and tend to do things their own way.
   • Staying Motivated:
     • Embrace spontaneity and allow flexibility in goal-setting.
     • Frame goals as challenges or experiments rather than strict requirements.
     • Focus on the excitement of breaking free from constraints.
     • Use creativity and variety to keep tasks engaging and stimulating.
     • Connect goals to personal identity and values to inspire intrinsic motivation.

Understanding your tendency provides valuable insights into how you respond to expectations, which, in turn, can help you find effective ways to stay motivated and achieve your goals. 

Gretchen Rubin has a simple quiz you can take that determines which of the four tendencies you have, and then offers detailed guidance on how best to stay motivated for that tendency. Take the quiz here: https://gretchenrubin.com/quiz/the-four-tendencies-quiz/

For me, this was the last piece of the puzzle. If you haven't guessed it, I am 100% Obliger, and am motivated more by external accountability than internal accountability.  This is why in situations where someone is depending on me to complete a task I do pretty well. But if I am the only person depending on me to complete a task, I don't perform as well. This revelation helped to remove the negative thoughts and emotions swirling in my head. (It's about accountability, not about will power!)

Now I no longer feel shame about my lack of motivation and I have a blueprint for getting and staying motivated.

And those habits I struggled to create? I am happy to report they now get done on schedule!

Let me know in the comments how do you stay motivated? Or send me a message here http://blissmorestressless.com/contact/