How Someone Responds to Criticism Reveals Their EQ

Have you heard the "orange being squeezed" story? It's supposed to be a motivational story but completely misses the mark. It originated with Dr. Wayne Dyer, and goes something like this:

Dr. Dyer was on stage with an orange in his hand. He asked someone in the audience, "If I squeeze this orange, what will come out?" The person responded, "Orange juice." Dr. Dyer confirmed, "Not apple juice?" The person said, "No, always orange juice."

He used this analogy to explain that when humans are metaphorically squeezed—such as when criticized—what comes out is what's inside them. If you respond to criticism with anger and hatred, it indicates "that's what 's inside of you". If you respond with love, it shows you are full of love.

Dr. Dyer ends this story with "Once you take away all those negative things you don’t want in your life and replace them with love, you’ll find yourself living a highly functioning life."

Those negative "things" he's referring to are emotions, as if we can all just simply weed negative emotions out of our experience as human beings. This advice is complete and utter garbage.

I first heard this story from a life coach I followed online over a decade ago. This coach posted the story on her social media, presenting it as her own experience, claiming she always reacted to criticism with love and positivity. This portrayal felt smug and superior and she didn't get the response she was expecting as many people called her out on this. 

I want to debunk the notion that our immediate emotional reactions define who we are, or what we are "full of". Emotions are transient; they come and go. Humans are not their emotions. At any given time, we experience a range of emotions. Feeling angry, sad, annoyed, or even rageful in response to criticism is completely normal. These feelings are influenced by the context and delivery of the criticism, as well as our past experiences and fears.

Why this is problematic

The real focus should be on what you do after these emotions arise. This distinction leads us to the difference between reacting and responding. A reaction is impulsive and uncontrolled, coming from the limbic part of our brain where emotions are processed first. This is why we feel emotions before we can logically sort them out.

What matters

What matters is how we act on these emotions. If you are criticized and feel angry, do you immediately lash out, or do you take a moment to think and formulate a response? Reacting is impulsive, whereas responding is thoughtful and deliberate. This distinction is crucial in demonstrating emotional intelligence.

Emotional intelligence involves being aware of your emotions, understanding your initial impulses, and knowing that your response is what truly matters. It's about managing your reactions and responding in a way that aligns with your values and goals.

Nowhere are there more examples of both high and low emotional intelligence than in the comment sections on social media platforms (like Facebook). People are quick to call out other people's bad behavior and the way someone responds (or reacts) shows you their level of EQ.

Taking responsibility for your behavior, admitting if you were wrong, and apologizing all demonstrate a high level of EQ. This is far less common, though.

People often post their immediate reactions without taking the time to think through a thoughtful response. They write responses that attack someone on a personal level (when they don't even know the person) or spew such vitriol that make you seriously question their state of mind.

When someone responds to criticism with a response that is fueled by rage they are showing you that they don't have the emotional intelligence tools to process and regulate their emotions. It doesn't make them a bad person, but it does make them difficult to be around. 

Growing up I was taught to think before you speak and I would expand that now to include think before you write something on the internet.