The Difference Between Gratitude and Toxic Positivity

Here in the US, November is the month we focus on gratitude, mainly due to our Thanksgiving holiday at the end of the month. With so much focus on "what are you grateful for" sometimes the true meaning of this gets confused and instead of gratitude, it turns into toxic positivity. But how do we recognize it and how do we tell the difference between gratitude and toxic positivity?

While gratitude is a powerful and transformative practice, toxic positivity can undermine our emotional well-being. In this blog post, we'll explore the distinctions between the two, talk about the benefits of practicing gratitude, and discuss ways to handle toxic positivity when it arises.

The difference between gratitude and toxic positivity

Gratitude is acknowledging the good things in life, both big and small. Appreciation for the present moment, expressing thanks for the people around us, and recognizing the beauty in everyday experiences. We demonstrate and experience gratitude when we are:

Appreciating Nature: That feeling of awe when we marvel at a breathtaking sunset or the blooming flowers in the garden.

Expressing Thanks: Saying "thank you" sincerely for a thoughtful gesture or act of kindness.

Being Present in the Moment: Fully immersing ourselves in the company of loved ones, appreciating their presence and the joy they bring.

Reflecting on Positives: Journaling about positive experiences, achievements, or moments of personal growth.

Toxic Positivity: When Positivity Turns Harmful

Toxic positivity, on the other hand, involves the overemphasis on positive emotions, invalidating genuine human experiences, and avoiding negative feelings. Examples of toxic positivity include: 

• Minimizing Pain: Saying things like "Don't be sad" or "Cheer up, it could be worse," dismissing the person's feelings.
• Invalidating Emotions: Responding to someone's distress with phrases like "Everything happens for a reason," ignoring their genuine struggles.
• Avoidance of Problems: Encouraging others to suppress negative emotions instead of addressing the root cause of their distress.

This time of year, we often feel pressure to feel grateful and share with everyone those things we are grateful for, even if we aren't feeling particularly grateful. Trying to help someone see the bright side of things might be well-intentioned, but it sends the message that their feelings aren't valid.

No one should be made to feel "less than" or "ungrateful". We must meet people where they are, and accept their feelings, even if it makes us feel uncomfortable or we don't agree with it.

We simply cannot compel anyone to feel gratitude (or any other emotion) and instead should focus only on ourselves and our own practice of gratitude.

How to Respond to Toxic Positivity

What can we do when someone directs toxic positivity towards us? We start by acknowledging our feelings. Recognizing our emotions, both positive and negative, without judgment.

We can set boundaries. Politely assert your need to express your feelings and be heard without being invalidated.

We can educate others by explaining the importance of acknowledging a wide range of emotions for emotional well-being.

And we can always seek support by connecting with empathetic individuals or professionals who understand the complexities of human emotions.

Benefits of Practicing Gratitude

Having a gratitude practice can be an important part of our emotional well-being. No one should feel as though they have to practice gratitude, instead, it should be viewed as another tool in your emotional intelligence toolbox. A tool that can have a big impact on how we process uncomfortable emotions. Some of the benefits are:

To reap the full benefits of gratitude, it's helpful to create a practice around it and make it a habit. Some days it will be easy to feel and practice it. On the days you don't feel like it, either give yourself a pass (it's perfectly ok to skip it if you aren't feeling it) or be curious and open to seeing if it helps improve your mood or outlook. 

Here are some ideas for building a practice.

Write it down:

• You could drop notes of gratitude into a jar and read them during challenging times.
• Get a journal and write down things you're thankful for daily or weekly.
• Create a book of positive aspects (from Abraham Hicks Ask and It Is Given) - take a notebook and on the first page create a template that lists the following questions: Name someone or something that you always feel good about (could be a place or a pet). What do I like about you? Why do I love you so much? What are your positive aspects? Dedicate each page to one positive aspect i.e. one page for your pet, one page for your favorite restaurant, etc. Try this exercise when you need a big boost of gratitude.

Express gratitude:

• Dr. Wayne Dyer began every morning with a simple prayer of "Thank you, thank you". Try it and see how it shapes your day.
• Call or text a friend or family member just to let them know how much you appreciate them.
• Send a handwritten note to a friend or family member to thank them for a kindness or simply for being there for you.

Mindful gratitude: 

• Set an intention each day to find and acknowledge moments of gratitude.
• Observe something in nature such as a flower or sunset, or perhaps even a piece of art and notice the appreciation you feel for it.